The Many Quotes, Jabs and Jibes of Helios
by FicfansEverywhere
Summary: A small gift to my loyal fans, and any new readers that might be interested. Helios at his finest, sarcastic as ever.


_**So, you're probably wondering why I've decided to do this instead of cranking out a new chapter. Well, I'm in Athens right now, and I've mainly been spending days out in the city, so there's not a lot of time for me to write a new chapter. However, I DO have enough time for what you're reading right now! I thought I'd do this to provide my loyal fans with a bit of entertainment, and maybe get some new readers interested in The Dawn Has Arrived. This is basically what it would be like if our hero was an actual champion in LoL, and the voice lines and interactions that would come with it. So, without further ado, I give you The Many Quotes, Jabs and Jibes of Helios!**_

* * *

 _ **Upon Selection**_

\- "The dawn has arri- goddamn it, Leona, you stole my line!"

 _ **Upon Starting a** **Game**_

\- "Hang on, I'm getting a strange sensation here...oh, right, it's the need to one-up somebody!"

\- "Flaming axe? Check. Super-cool flame powers? Check. Devilishly good looks? Check. Right, I'm ready to kick some ass!"

\- "Lucky for you, summoner, I'm feeling extra-suicidal today, so go on. Manhandle me. Drag me to my death over and over again. It's not like you're supposed to feel _bad_ about it or anything, cough cough hint hint."

\- "Get your pen ready, summoner. This one's for the history books!"

\- "I'm bored. And kinda hungry. What, was I supposed to say something cooler?"

\- "I'm feeling the need to show off a little bit, and possibly fail spectacularly, so what the heck, let's do this!"

 _ **Attacking**_

 _-_ "Well, _HI!_ "

\- "Don't mind me, I'll just cleave you in half!"

\- "Hey, don't worry! This won't hurt me a bit!"

\- "Daddy needs to express some rage. Hold still so I can."

\- "I don't know if anybody told you this, but I'm massively OP. Good luck with that."

\- "Happy Early Birthday! Your present? _PAIN!_ "

\- "Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!"

\- "If it's any consolation, there _is_ an afterlife, so you'll be fine once you're dead."

\- "I honestly kinda feel bad about this, but, ah, whatcha gonna do?"

\- "While I'm at it, could someone fetch me my next target? This probably won't take long."

\- "Next time, I'm making a planet with things that _don't_ want to kill me."

\- "Here's your ass, sir, just as you ordered it: on a silver platter. I'll hand it to you right away."

\- "Meh. I've seen better."

\- "Random attack quote! Because the game developers were too lazy to give me something decent!"

\- "Uh, die...I guess? Am I supposed to be enthusiastic about this? Isn't that Kled's thing?"

\- "This is being censored, right? The younger players might not be able to stomach it."

\- "On the bright side, I still look fabulous! You might not find that comforting, but I do!"

\- "At least you're worth the effort. Personally, I'd be hurt if someone didn't even bother trying."

\- "I know, it sucks, but if you stand still, I'll make it quick. It's the most I can do in this situation."

\- "Divine punishment, bitch."

\- " _LOOK BEHIND YOU!_...Not falling for that, huh? Well, it was worth a shot."

\- "Oh, shit, whatever will you do?"

\- "This might sting a little. My bad."

\- "So...how's life? ...Wrong time?"

\- "You want to fight the sun? (snort) Alright, but don't complain when it goes south for you!"

\- "You have several options for what happens next. All of them hurt."

\- "I'm not gonna lie, I literally have nothing better to do at the moment, if you were wondering why I keep hitting you with an axe."

\- "At least you're going out with a bang, right?"

\- "Wow, I'm _really_ good at this. Too bad for you."

\- "Prepare for one-upping! ...That's a word, isn't it?"

\- "Uh, sorry about this. My summoner's an ass (no offense), and making me kill stuff. Really, I'd rather be somewhere else, I swear."

 _ **Upon Attacking Baron Nashor**_

\- "Wow. You are all _kinds_ of ugly, aren't you?"

\- "Okay, who's the genius that spawned this ugly son of a bitch, because it wasn't me."

\- "Three mouths? What would you need _three mouths_ for?!"

\- "Nature, were you _drunk_ when you made this thing?"

\- "That's just nasty."

 _ **Movement**_

\- (Spirited trumpet sounds)" _CHAAAAARRRGE!_ "

\- "Tally-ho! Because Caitlyn won't say it, no matter how many times I beg her to!"

\- "Let's be honest; you just want to see me work my thighs, don't you?"

\- "Quit staring at my ass, summoner. I know it's sexy, but I'm taken, thanks."

\- "Yay, walking. As if I didn't do enough of that when I first got here."

\- "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

\- "Remind me to rent a segway next time. Those things are cool!"

\- "Trailblazin'!"

\- "I am _so_ ready for this!"

\- "Do we have any speed other than 'lumber,' summoner? I know for a fact that I can go a lot faster than _this._ "

\- "Kolminye had better explain afterwards why I'm going so slow. At this rate, I'll fall asleep before we get there."

\- "LET'S GO, ALREADY! I'M GETTING BORED!"

\- (casually whistles)

\- "My legs are on autopilot. This is by far the weirdest thing I've ever felt."

\- "Watch the merchandise, summoner. It was expensive. Mostly. Somewhat. Kind of. Not really. No."

\- "Why did I agree to be manhandled again?"

\- "I swear, if you drive me off a cliff..."

\- "So, am I just supposed to wait while you drive us to where we're going, or...what?"

\- "Not a bad day for it. Dying once in a while isn't so bad, I guess. Keeps me humble."

\- "Oh, _joy,_ you're marching me to my possible death. I hope you get some entertainment outta this."

\- "Bring it!"

\- "This should be fun."

\- "Is, uh...is Raka watching? If she is, you'd _better_ not screw this up, summoner!"

\- "Remind me again how you're my summoner when Ellis is supposed to be the only one who can use me?"

\- "With my luck, I'm gonna die a ton, aren't I?"

\- "Cue the theme music!"

\- "For the entourage!"

\- "Selene, I hate you. Just thought I'd throw that in there."

\- "Why. Are. We. Going. So. Slow?"

\- (Caitlyn's accent)"Alright, bros, 'ere we go! Operation: _KICK ARSE_ is underway!"

 _ **Taunts**_

\- "Let me guess: too hot for ya? A bit cliché, but I wouldn't be surprised."

\- "You didn't get a Master's Degree in Complete Badassery like I did, did you? Your mistake."

\- "Come on, make me put some effort into it! Being OP gets a little boring sometimes!"

\- _"Nooooooooob!"_

\- "Try again tomorrow. My luck will probably have turned for the worst by then."

\- "Need. Entertainment. Now."

\- "Am I supposed to be dying? I can't tell if you're making an effort or not."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Aatrox**_

\- "This ass-kicking will be my masterpiece!"

\- "How'd the date with Kayle go? Oh, wait, not supposed to tell anyone...whoops."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Ahri**_

\- "Ahri, you know I'm taken, so _for the love of gods,_ stop trying to charm me!"

\- "We should _totally_ prank somebody after this, don't you agree?"

\- "I don't suppose I could get your latest pop album for free, could I? Special friend benefits and all that?"

\- "You know, there are a few spots open for my honor guard. You interested? We have cookies!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Alistar**_

\- "A nose-ring. Sure, why not? That's a fashion statement if I ever saw one."

 _ **Taunting an enemy** **Amumu**_

\- "Aww, cheer up, Amumu! You've got Annie, it's not so bad!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Anivia**_

\- "You know, most phoenixes are made of fire. Which means you're unique. I made you unique. You're welcome."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Annie**_

\- "...I don't think I'll ever look at teddy bears the same way again."

\- "Wait, you actually _sleep_ next to that bear of yours? I'll admit, I'm kind of impressed."

\- "Your tea parties must be something else if they involve a giant killer bear."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Ashe**_

\- "Ice arrows against a fire axe. Guess which wins."

\- "Hey, Ashe, how's it goin'? Sejuani still a pain in the ass?"

\- "Are you mad that I keep melting your arrows? It looks like you're mad."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Aurelion Sol**_

\- "Well, well, well, if it isn't Aurelion Shithead!"

\- "Hey, Aurelion! Remember when Selene banished me to Runeterra and you were completely oblivious the whole time? Good times, good times."

\- "Lay off my granddaughter, Aurelion. She's often more of a dragon than _you_ are."

\- "And so, the student has become the master...wait, wrong line. My bad."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Azir**_

\- "All hail the chicken king!"

\- "What's the matter, Azir? You look fowl all of a sudden!"

\- "What an EGG-celent fight we're having, wouldn't you agree?"

\- "Are my bird puns bothering you? Sorry, totally feather-brained of me!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Bard**_

\- "Bard, you _seriously_ need to work out. At this point I'm starting to assume that dimension-hopping is your only mode of transport."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Blitzcrank**_

\- (Robot voice)"Beep-bop-boop, I am a robot. I calculate a zero percent chance that you will survive. I am also an ass."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Caitlyn**_

\- "That hat of yours is without a doubt the _most faboo thing I have ever seen in my entire life!_ "

\- (Caitlyn's _accent)"Ooh, look at me!_ _I'm_ _on the case!_ Heard that one before, haven't you?"

\- "Got any cupcakes to spare? I'm hungry."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Camille**_

\- "Dear _gods,_ Camille, do you ever have anything nice to say? You're so salty that your hair's turned white!"

\- " _Saaaaaaaaaaltyyyyyyyyyy._ "

\- "I don't see what the big deal is with precision. It doesn't matter whether I stab your heart or cleave your head off; you're still gonna die."

\- "Get Vayne over here, and we've got pepper to go with that salt!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Cassiopeia**_

 _ **-**_ "Cassy, been a while! How're the 'scouting missions' going, wink wink?"

\- "Swain did it."

\- "Now, I've heard of looks that could kill, but I didn't believe it until now!"

\- "Nice butt-finger, Cass. That one was for you, player."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Darius**_

\- (Singsong voice)"My - axe is cooler than yours! My - axe is cooler than yours!"

\- "That's a pretty big axe you got there, Darius. You trying to compensate for something?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Diana**_

\- "Freeeeeeeeeloadeeeeeeeerrrr!"

\- "Does Selene _make_ you wear ugly eye-makeup, or did you pick that out yourself?"

\- "Your face reminds me of Selene. I'm getting triggered now."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Draven**_

\- "Not Helios; Heeeeeeeeliiiiiooooooosssss."

\- "The difference between you and me is that I'm fabulous; you're Draven. Enough said."

\- "You'd be good for the circus, and not much else."

\- "You call those axes? Why don't you come closer, and I'll show you what a _real_ axe looks like."

 _ **Taunting an enemy** **Elise**_

\- "We guys might like a lady with legs, but we draw the line at eight of them."

\- "You know that Vilemaw's just going to eat you one day, right?"

\- "Oh, Elise, you really think that you're the _first_ Spider Queen? Vilemaw's already got you in a web, doesn't he?"

\- "Would you be interested in joining my honor guard? I guarantee you won't be eaten by a giant spider!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Ezreal**_

\- "Oh, _gods,_ I'm gonna get Ezrealed, aren't I?"

\- "My brain's gonna melt before I answer all your questions, man."

\- "No lectures, please, I'm on a tight schedule!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Fiora**_

\- "Je vais te botter le cul!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Gangplank**_

\- "Avast, ye swab!"

\- "Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me!"

\- "Yar har, fiddlee-dee, being a pirate is alright with me! Do what you want 'cause a pirate is free, you are a pirate!"

\- "Let me guess: you're gonna make me walk the plank?"

\- "You shot Sarah on either side of her heart and you _still_ couldn't kill her? Your aim's pathetic, Planky."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Garen**_

\- "Garen, you idiot, just ask Katarina out on a date already! At this point nobody cares if she's Noxian or not!"

\- "You have _so much_ to learn when it comes to romance, don't you?"

\- "Need a sheath for your sword? I can help you find one, if you catch my drift."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Graves**_

\- (Southern accent)"Outlaw? Shoot, I was thinkin' rodeo clown!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Illaoi**_

\- "Your god. Drives me. Across the sky. Right. You never took science class, did you?"

\- "Nagakabouros is actually on my payroll, which means I'm the boss of your boss. Start sucking up to me, please."

\- "What lessons do broken bones teach, exactly? To be honest, that might be a bit of a turn-off for people who want to believe in Naga and all that..."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Irelia**_

\- "Paranoid much, Irelia?"

\- "So, just because I'm really strong, you're paranoid of me? That makes absolutely no sense."

\- "You know, Syndra's actually pretty cool, so I am honor-bound to defend her honor. Which means I have to shove my axe up your anus now."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Ivern**_

\- "Ivern, buddy, what did I say about playing with honey badgers?"

\- "Oh, for _gods' sake,_ Ivern, stop fraternizing with the enemy!"

\- "How many minions of darkness have you summoned, again?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Janna**_

\- "Is this about your honor guard outfit?"

\- "You might _think_ your other outfit looks skimpy, but really, it's better than the white bikini with lace gloves."

\- "Look, I'm a star, not a fashion designer, so you're just gonna have to deal with it!"

\- "And now, for the weather: 75% chance of ass-kicking this morning, with some light beatdowns in the afternoon, followed by intense one-ups and smackdowns."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Jarvan IV**_

\- "I'm J4, I'm helping!"

\- "I'll be there for the wedding!"

\- "I'd better see some great-great-great grandkids soon!"

\- "Oh, verily, Jarvan IV, surely thine ass will not survive this day!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Jinx**_

\- "Bish, you cray!"

\- "Signing you up for the honor guard may not have been as good an idea as I'd originally thought..."

\- "Oh, sure, talk to your gun, ignore the guy in front of you, why not?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Katarina**_

\- "Has Garen asked you out yet?"

\- "Swain did it."

\- "You know, Garen could use a new sheath for his sword. Care to provide him with one?"

\- "Let me guess: if you and Garen don't have your weapons when you fight, you wrestle instead?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Kha'Zix**_

\- "Can you evolve your ass to be less kickable?"

\- "This is for my eye, asshole!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Kled**_

\- "Two words, Skaarl: chicken nuggets."

\- "Your chicken lizard looks kinda tasty, Kled. Mind if I try some?"

\- "This is why I don't wanna join Noxus...among other things."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Leona**_

\- " _I'VE BEEN BETRAYED!_ "

\- "Leona, why? I thought we were friends!"

\- "Is this about getting a raise? I can arrange that. Now please get your sword away from my face. And my crotch, too. I need that."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Lissandra**_

\- "This has gotta be the most generic fight _ever._ "

\- "Fire vs Ice? Come on, summoner, _really?_ "

 _ **Taunting an enemy Lux**_

\- "Lightfight!"

\- "You might call yourself The Lady of Luminosity, but _I,_ young Luxanna, am the true master!"

\- "You know that attacking me isn't in your job description, right?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Miss Fortune**_

\- "Sarah, what's up? We still good for that arcade thing with Sona, Riven and Ezreal?"

\- "Fortune doesn't favor fools? Clearly you've never heard of dumb luck."

\- "I know some good shanties that ol' Planky hates. I can teach them to you if you want."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Mordekaiser**_

\- "Are those Pentakill tickets still available?"

\- "Morde, we need to talk about your hobbies, pal."

\- (Mordekaiser voice)"I will bring great ass-kicking!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Nami**_

\- "You know, I could fix your sea-monster problem if you asked.

\- "A moon stone? Really? That's what you need? Girl, I could make something a lot better than _that!_ "

 _ **Taunting an enemy Nidalee**_

\- "Uh, summoner? If it's not too much to ask, could we maybe avoid this fight?"

\- "Er...I'd rather not."

\- "Oh, great, I'm gonna get mauled by a cougar again, aren't I?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Pantheon**_

\- " _THIS! IS! SPA- TARGOOOOOOOON!_ "

\- "Go ahead, attack me with a toothpick, see where it leads."

\- "This is about getting a raise, isn't it?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Quinn**_

\- "Hey, Valor, if you're interested, I know some pretty hot chick birds!"

\- "I think Talon has a crush on you."

\- "So, what's the cloak for? Is it just to look cool, or...?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Rammus**_

\- "This conversation is going to get very dull, very fast."

\- "Yep. Okay. Alright. Yep. Nope."

\- "Rammus, we need to get you to talk more. It's boring to do all the talking myself!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Riven**_

\- "Now _that_ is a sword!"

\- "Can I try your sword?"

\- "You know, you made the right choice, leaving Noxus. Just saying."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Sejuani**_

\- "So, let me get this straight: you turned down _free food?_ What the hell, Sejuani, who _does_ that?"

\- "Get your ass over here, pig! And _no,_ Bristle, I wasn't talking to _you."_

\- "Ashe has the right idea, Sejuani. Strength isn't everything."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Shen**_

\- (Whispering)" _Psst, Shen! Hi._ "

\- "What was that you said about light never catching a ninja again? Go on, remind me."

\- " _SHORYUKEN!_ ...Wait, hold on, wrong game universe. My mistake."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Shyvana**_

\- "This is how we do it old-school!"

\- "I guess badassery runs in the family, huh?"

\- "Where are my grandkids? I want grandkids!"

\- "Tell you what, we can go out for ice cream after this, to make it up to you."

\- "I'd expect nothing less from the future Queen of Demacia!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Singed**_

\- "First I'll kill Warwick. You're next."

\- "Don't think that I'll spare you, Singed. You've had this coming for a long time."

\- "You think your chemical burns are bad? I'll show you burns when I get my hands on you."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Sion**_

\- "Right, of _course_ I get the super-zombie. Thanks, guys. Really feeling the love here."

\- "You call that an axe?"

\- "What, was Jerry having such a hard time finding good soldiers that he had to resurrect you as a half-competent zombie? Laaaaaaame."

\- "Word is that you zombies can't feel pain. I'd like to test that theory."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Sivir**_

\- "If I paid you to forfeit the match, would you do it? Just curious."

\- "So, if Azir's a chicken, does that make you a hen?"

\- "Hey, look! Cash! Made you look."

\- "I dare you to think of something else besides money. You can't, can you?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Sona**_

\- "Are those Pentakill tickets still available?"

\- "Ellis says hi! ...I think. Not sure where he is right now."

\- "I don't suppose you know how to play the Brown Note, do you?"

\- "Sorry boys, this Maven's already got a man. My bound summoner. Feast your eyes and weep!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Soraka**_

\- "After this: You. Me. Dinner."

\- "I don't suppose we're allowed to make out during matches, are we?"

\- "Joke's on you, I actually _was_ expecting the banana. It's my favorite fruit, after all."

\- "Wow, that dress of yours is _really_ distracting. Shows off your curves quite nicely."

\- "Summoner, sorry about this, but I'm gonna have to seduce my girlfriend now. Give me five minutes to get back into the game."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Swain**_

\- "I know what you did. Pray that Katarina never finds out."

\- "I've never had roast raven before, but I suppose there's a first time for everything."

\- "Look at me, I'm Jericho Swain, nyah! I brood over my cane all day and plot evil things, nyah!"

\- "Oh, look, it's the not-so-golden standard for villainy. How original."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Syndra**_

\- "Oh, sweet, Syndra! Hi, Syndra!"

\- "How about we spar after this? Just you and me, going all out, no restrictions."

\- "We could be doing _so much_ better than this if we weren't restricted. Still, at least it's fun."

\- "Irelia's a total bitch, isn't she? Karma could probably work with you if I asked."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Talon**_

\- "Swain did it."

\- "I see the looks you keep sneaking at Quinn. Just go for it, man!"

\- "Is that cloak of yours _just_ for brooding? I can't really see another point to it."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Teemo**_

\- "Aw, _hell naw!_ "

\- "Anybody got some holy water?"

\- "Shrooms. Shrooms everywhere."

\- "I seem to have entered Hell by mistake. I'd like to see myself out now."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Tryndamere**_

\- "That, uh...that's a pretty big sword. Wow."

\- "If it isn't Tryndamere, the manly man's manly man!"

\- "Your marriage to Ashe could be described as a happy accident, I guess. Rarely has a political marriage turned out like yours, I'm impressed."

\- "You won Ashe over with the biceps, didn't you?"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Urgot**_

\- "That is so wrong on so many levels."

\- "Why were you kept alive again? Really, just...why?"

\- "Perv!"

\- "Spider legs. You've gotta be kidding me."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Vayne**_

\- "Why are you so edgy?"

\- "Edgequeen alert!"

\- "Do you have any emotions _other_ than 'brooding and emo?'"

\- "So. Much. Edginess."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Vel'Koz**_

\- "I've been on the internet enough times to know where this is going."

\- "Player, I know what you're thinking, and for all I know, you may be right. This is going to be unpleasant."

\- "You learn...by blowing stuff up? This is why I don't invite Void monsters to Runeterra!"

\- "Heh, tentacles!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Vi**_

\- "You like hitting people in the face? Hey, me too! We should hang out!"

\- "Making fun of Caitlyn's accent is great, isn't it?"

\- "So, what's the story of the name tattoo on your face? Maybe Raka would like it if I got my name tattooed on my biceps..."

\- "We need to arm-wrestle. Seriously."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Vladimir**_

\- (Vampire voice)"I vant to kick your ass!"

 _ **Taunting an enemy Volibear**_

\- "I fought a bear once. I bitch-slapped it so hard that I broke its neck. Just thought you should know that."

 _ **Taunting an enemy Warwick**_

\- "I've been waiting a long time for this."

\- "Nidalee taught me the value of animal skins. It's been a while since I hung something new on my wall."

\- "I'll be the first to put you down when you're nothing more than a slobbering mutt!"

\- "You wanted Raka's heart. How about I tear out yours as a substitute?"

 _ **Joke**_

\- "...Really? You want _more?_ I've been giving you comedy gold almost non-stop, and _this_ is the thanks I get? I feel so appreciated, wow."

\- "Life. How's that?"

\- "Jokes. Really. After everything else."

 _ **Upon Death**_

\- "Life, why do you hate me?"

\- "Er...whoops."

\- "Ow."

\- "Totally called it."

\- "Well...that hurt."

\- "C'est la vie, I guess."

 _ **Upon Respawning**_

\- " _I'M BACK, BITCHES!_ "

\- "So, not only does Life reject me, but Death does too? I feel so loved."

\- "You only live once. Unless you're a champion. Then you live lots of times."

\- "Is my corpse still around? That's gonna be morbidly fascinating to look at."

\- "Does this mean that I'm technically a zombie now? Funny, I don't have a craving for brains."

\- "This isn't going to be the only time, is it?"

 _ **Player Team Victory**_

\- "Aaaaaaaaaand victory dance!"

 _ **Player Team Defeat**_

\- "I'd like to say this was unexpected, but since my luck tends to be a bitch, it really wasn't."

* * *

 _ **That's it :P**_

 _ **If you'd like to see more, let me know!**_

 _ **FicfansEverywhere**_


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